Days Go By

I don't exactly remember the first time I heard the concept of growing up or how I reacted to hearing it. It's what every living organism does, so I guess my not having a sentimental value about it is only normal. For a long time, I thought growing up was only a physical development that people went through; you know, the whole "I'm finally tall" or "My hands are finally big enough to palm an NBA-sized basketball" thing (did people get excited about that? I know I did). But genetics, sadly, would stunt my physical growth midway through my teenage years, so I had to find another definition of this "growing up."



Fast-forward to my mid-teenage life, growing up meant something more along the lines of getting a job at a grocery store or actually doing my chores without being told to do them. The former sounded better, but I never really took finding a job a serious task. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I thought that my parents were  going to take care of everything for me. Looking back now, I realize how spoiled I was. My parents didn't necessarily give me everything I wanted, not in that sense of spoiling, but I somehow I always felt entitled. I don't know I if I can really blame my parents for that, and well, I shouldn't. Along with the prospect of finally earning my own money (because of that grocery store job, remember?), I would be able to buy my own things and eventually become independent financially, and well physically. I never got a job until after my first year in college, so I guess I didn't really grow up until then?
Now I'm here, somewhere between young adulthood and full-fledged adulthood. What's keeping me from being a complete and official "adult?" My height? Or my financial standing, or where I live (still with my parents, by the way)? Are those physical things the ultimate barrier to my long-desired adult life? I mean, voices both in my head and outside it tell me that I only need to move out and go "find myself," maybe then I'll truly become independent. Become an adult. A grown up. Or maybe, I'm missing another aspect of this.
There's really so much that can be said about this next idea I'm about to present. But I just want to focus on my own experience. And even then, I'll just try to summarize it because I don't even think I could explain it thoroughly. It's the idea of selflessness. I'm not sure where to categorize it, really. Maybe mental is the best category for it. It's this idea of taking care of other people, giving them what they need and sometimes want, and completely putting them in front of you. Now, it seems contradictory to me that I should be so worried about other people when I'm attending college and trying to make good grades, have fun, and make connections. It's like saying "Be selfish, but don't be selfish." Maybe that's why I'm stuck in this Limbo of Maturity (I know thanks, I just made that up), because I have to make computer calculations on whether my next act is selfish or selfless. More often than not, my calculations are wrong, so I do completely selfish things. I'm not proud of that.
All the chores I had to do (I only had two) were for the purposes of putting others first. Y'know the whole wash-the-dishes-before-your-mother-gets-home-from-work thing? That was all to keep my mother from being more stressed out than she already was. Now, this seems a bit comical, but I think that the little menial tasks I had to do around the house was to teach me to stop putting myself first. It wasn't about washing the dishes (or taking out the trash), it was about why I should have done them. I'm just now realizing that. No, I realized that a few months ago. Still, I'm 19––it should not have taken me this long.
Growing up cannot simply be summed up as having complete and utter selflessness (which is borderline impossible), or finally reaching  your tallest height, or actually reaching that level of independence where your parents don't (and can't) tell you to do your chores. If you're no longer "under their roof," they really can't tell you to do anything. I think growing up has something to do with having the wisdom and initiative to selflessly improve others' well being while furthering oneself by means of education, connection, and spiritual revitalization...so that you can keep improving others' lives (and maybe yours in the meantime). It's the circle of life, dude. I just wish I would realize that.
And so we go.